I looked at the menu above me and blinked my eyes. Then I blinked them again, trying to to figure out why I on earth it seemed like a blur. The lady behind the counter seemed annoyed. "What can I get you?" she asked for the second time. I looked down at the food. I was starving. I was nursing Savannah nearly every 1-2 hours and felt as though I was inhaling food to keep both of us nourished. I pointed to a few items and said "I'll take that, that and that". Rob ordered next.
Pay. We needed to pay. I couldn't seem to maneuver through my purse to find my wallet. Rob gently pushed me aside, paid and took the trays. We arrived at a table, surrounded by family. I told them that I couldn't read the menu. My Dad gently reminded me, "You're mind is on overload. It can't process even the simplest things right now". He was right. I prayed the hours before me would pass quickly, but I highly doubted they would. We ate. I drifted in and out of the conversation. I was recalling the seven weeks up until this day...
It had been chaotic. Oxygen readings and weight checks at least twice a week. At first those readings were good and she was putting on weight, but things started to spiral downward and she began having blue spells. I didn't want her out of my sight. Who knew when I might have to shove her tiny legs into her chest to open her airway? Then Dylan got sick and that was the final straw. She would be admitted and wouldn't come home until surgery was done and over with.
While surgery day was intense, there was also a sense of relief. Assuming all went well, this could very well be the only surgery she would ever need. But we had to get through today. In those hours that I waited, I went through the motions of walking, talking and anything else that I could find to keep myself occupied.
When I look back at this day, I often think of the poem "Footprints In The Sand". Handing Savannah over for surgery had been intense. Would I hold her again? Would I have the opportunity to kiss her sweet face? Would I rock and sing to her? They were operating on her heart - what if something went wrong? When I think of those moments of dealing with blue spells, surgery and post surgery, Rob and I were literally being carried by the Lord. I truly believe that if I didn't have the Lord I would have fallen apart. I don't believe the human mind is capable of processing these type of circumstances without Him.
When I couldn't focus, I would close my eyes. He brought me clarity. He brought me peace. He brought me strength. Just as He was holding me, He was holding Savannah. His hands were upon the surgeons hands, guiding every move. His wisdom was with the surgical team, keeping them alert and focused during a lengthy procedure. When the time came for her to be taken off of the heart-lung machine and her heart was asked to begin beating again, He allowed it to come to life - for a second time - whole and complete - just as He had months before in my womb. He is in charge and always will be. He loves me. He loves Savannah. In my darkest times when I am lost and can not see in the darkness, He is carrying me through and will set me on my feet when I am ready.